rowangolightly | Entries tagged with moods

Frustration is the name of the game, yesterday and today.

First is with my #$^#%&^ laptop which freezes up *all* the time with the "unresponsive script" crap. I SO need a new laptop!

Second is with my goddamned car which is the last piece of shit leftover from the marriage. If I had the money, I'd just dump it and get something else. I need to have it taken in to see why metal is grinding against metal, or someone to come and look at the damned thing, someone who knows what they are doing and will follow through with diagnosing it. I'm terrified that whatever-it-is that's wrong is just going to snap and I'll be in a horrible accident and kill other people. It really is that bad.

Third is the glasses thing; I tried ordering online but get stopped time and again with either stuff I don't know, like my distance between my pupils and then once I get that figured out, the glasses I want aren't available in the DP number and I can't figure out what to do about it.

Fourth is my sewing machine which occasionally just randomly goes into a decorative stitch that goes backward and then forward. I CANNOT AFFORD to not be without it and this is the one that supposedly was just repaired; the newer one needs to go in but I can't afford that either.

Can frustration be terminal? If so, I'm close. I can't take much more of all my shit not working at the same time, all of it.

EDIT: I should have fucking called the glasses site yesterday. Apparently I can't order anything from them with a difference in my PD in gradient bifocals. FUCK! Why does everything have to be so hard!

I need to keep at this to keep accountable. I don't know if this is seasonal, depression and mourning, new normal for me...or what.

But a dear friend asked me how I was this morning and this is what I said.
It's accurate and smack on, so I'll just post it here as my update.

"Lots of work to do, not enough time. Must do the work to get the money, not really feeling like it. Good things happening, but I feel numb-ish.

Wanna just take a day off and drink tea and read but I can't, not and get done.

Just REALLY really tired of pushing and pushing and not really getting any break. If I take a break, then I'm behind in my work. But if I don't take breaks, work doesn't go well."

The singing/music rehearsals and lessons are great and makes me feel alive and then I come home and go back into a haze. I really want to stop this merry-go-round and find another ride to get on; one that is fun and happy and where I interact on a personal level with a loved one and build a happy home and take care of someone and be taken care of.

Dating Chip is fun and I enjoy it but it's sure going nowhere fast. I can't push and I suspect that he's holding stuff back as I am; one simply can't be 100% transparent, simply not possible nor desirable. I'm just taking the time we have and enjoying it; about all I can do.

I had to turn some work back to a woman who has been bugging me about it. I should have been honest and said, "Look, I just don't want to do this project; it's not my type of thing." Actually, I DID say that but she pressured me and said she couldn't find anyone else to do it. It's a dumb jacket that she designed that she thinks she's going to get rich on but it's ugly and will have a very limited appeal plus she doesn't want to pay me much to make it up.

So I procrastinated, as I often do when there isn't a hard deadline. Yesterday she called me and got all whiny and demanding and dithered between still wanting me to make it and wanting me to send her back the fabric. I finally snapped and said, "Make up your mind!" Then she dithered as to whether I should mail it or meet her somewhere. So I'm mailing her stuff back and she'll supposedly reimburse me for the shipping but I doubt that'll ever happen. It's a fairly big box; about 15" x 15" from all the materials she kept mailing me. She honestly has forgotten how much she sent me and kept saying, "do you have enough stuff to make this" and sending me more. I think she'll be honestly astonished as to how much material is actually there.

I took this job reluctantly and now that I'm hammered with work, this is what happens. I accept my responsibility in this situation totally. I don't need this sort of crap but the exchange triggered my insecurities and my feelings of lack of worth. And now I have to spend money to ship her fabric back.

Bah.

Referencing the former clients who stiffed me on costuming and ignored me last night at their gig at CODA, now I've received an invitation to their gig tonight in Sedalia.

WTF, people? You want me to support your gig but you won't even look at me while I'm there?

Sorry, I'm not that gullible.

I need a nap.

In the good news, choir practice was lots of fun, especially as I'm paid to be there. All the singing is also paying off in improved vocal quality. I'm hitting higher notes with greater quality. The other gal from choir, Gabi, who has such a lovely 2nd soprano voice and who does most of the solos at church worked on a piece where we sing lovely harmonies. We agreed that it would be fun to sing a duet together. She has a highly trained voice and I was really pleased that she and I sound so good together. And we're singing an arrangement of Bach's "Air on the G String" which is just gorgeous.

I really do enjoy this church; wish there were more people attending it. They're missing some really good quality music.

Oh, and she's looking for an oboe player for one song on Sunday, based on "Wayfaring Stranger"; a very easy part and it is a paying gig.

Current Mood: apathetic

Some better this morning; I just checked the bank accounts and the one PayPal amount made it into my business account this morning. PLUS the two over-drafts that were in "pending" did NOT go through as overdrafts because I covered them both times by shifting around what little I had in the two accounts to cover them. SO relieved!

I got paid for the Trebs blouse at yesterday's rehearsal so that'll go into the bank tomorrow first thing. Then a dear friend hired me long distance to make a veil for her and got the payment sent by PayPal which transfer will show up in the account in another day or two.

With a whole lot of hard work this week, I should be able to pay rent. That will still leave an overage in both water and gas that I have to come up with right away but at least I can now put a bit of gas in the car and buy tuna for the cats. I've been feeding them chicken because that's what I have in the freezer.

It amazes me how shameful it is, in this country, and at this time of year, to be poor. It's really depressing too, seeing people spend SO much money on trivial stuff when others are struggling just to keep fed and housed and have heat and water and electricity. There's such a huge imbalance in this country and while I don't have any answers, I certainly see the inequity. I also see how easy it would be to get angry and to be jealous and for that to turn into a canker and get really poisonous. Fortunately, that's not my nature. On my better days, it's my nature to count my blessings. This is turning out to be one of those days, because due to wonderful friends and a lot of hard work, my recent desperation is looking to be done for now.

Here's a blessing: http://www.craftsy.com/classes?ext=thanksgiving2012
A very nifty site of teaching crafts so that the teachers get paid and people get to learn stuff. This is a form of education I really like. It's something I'd love to take part in, if I can figure out how. It's another one of those things that takes money and time that I just don't have right now because of scrambling so hard just to survive.

One last thing; this damned respiratory stuff is still hanging on. This has now been since before HALLOWEEN! The time I took off to try to get over it is now biting me in the arse 'cause I still feel ill but now HAVE to work and no time to go to a free clinic to get examined. I'm doing the cider and I think that's helping it not get worse but it's not kicking it. Some how mid-last week, the gunk re-attached itself to my nasal passages and throat. I'm SO ready to be done with this. I may try Elderberry since someone at TM rehearsal recommended it. And I need to get some Echinacea and Golden Seal but until this PayPal cleared, I couldn't even afford that.

Still, lots to feel thankful for. I have a wonderful relationship, if a bit strained right now to our mutual stress. I have two sweet kitties, both of whom slept with me last night; a small thing but something that adds lots of bliss to my nights. I had enough food for breakfast this morning and now, enough cash to get a few more groceries. Really, if I start with breakfast, I'm good for just one other meal in the day which is how things usually work for me. I have LOTS of work and now will just pray for lots of energy to get stuff completed QUICKLY.

And as always, I'm immensely grateful for my friends.

Current Mood: calm

There's a gorgeous cardinal sitting on the limb of the tree right outside the kitchen window, looking in at me, tilting his head back and forth.

Gorgeous!

It's a new day, a bright lovely Autumn day. I have wonderful work to do, the love and support of my family and dear friends. I have my health and mental acuity and the energy to do what is needed.

Focus on the positive and let the small shit go.

Enjoy the small felicities of the day and do what you need to do, one thing at a time.

This post brought to you by Polly-Anna!

{EDIT: *GIGGLE* Posted this before I looked at the Daily Tarot card:

The Sun card suggests that my alter ego is the Golden Child, whose superpower for celebration lies in expressing my love, joy and pride. I will be happy today, reflecting on the simple joys in life and my glory days. It's all good! You are in your happy place -- shining brightly for all to see. It may seem too good to be true, but don't worry and enjoy the experience while it lasts.

Predictable much? I don't care...I'm happy!

Current Mood: cheerful

Missed the anniversary!

March 22, '04 was when I completed moving out of KC and moved in with Bruce.

Wow...four years. What a lot has happened since then. And yes, what a difference 4 years makes.

So many friends I've made since then, can't imagine being without now. And yet, retained so many dear friends from up there, too.

Sometimes I feel like a whole different person. I'm so much more ME than I was, like I've finally grown up into myself in many ways.

I'm so grateful...

Seems like all I've done was grouse lately but I really am happier than I've ever been in my whole life.

Current Mood: grateful

PollyAnna here:

No really! I just emailed back a friend who's having difficulties and was so struck by that being my first email of the year that I decided to re-post it here. Her question was: "You're the most positive woman I know. How do you do it?"

How do I do it, remain positive? I literally refuse to let negativity in;
(ED: ok sure, there are times, but between Bruce and me, we don't let it stay!)
It's difficult to explain to someone else how to do it. Focus on
what good there is in your life. FIND good things to appreciate, focus on those things and find more positive stuff to appreciate.

I do know this, beyond the shadow of a doubt:
THAT UPON WHICH YOU FOCUS, MAGNIFIES ITSELF.
The words that you say and the thoughts in your mind, literally create
your reality; the universe replicates the conditions you 'ask' for...if you ask (however it is stated) for shit, you'll get shit. If you ask for and expect to receive glory, you'll get glory. No matter the current circumstances of your life (anyone's life!) it can always get better or worse, based SOLELY upon your own attitude.

Example? My mother was born without a left hip socket and yet she became a
highly skilled organist, playing a humongous church organ in a 6000 seat
auditorium that only a half dozen people anywhere were allowed to play. This is an amazing accomplishment for a woman who could not rotate her left foot from side to side which is necessary in order to manipulate the foot pedals, which play the bass line of the music. How did she adapt, get through school with her music degree and earn that position? Sheer grit, stubbornness and will; she re-wrote ALL the music she played so that everything could be
played with her hands and not using her feet. If you did not know of her handicap and how she'd worked around it, you'd never know because you couldn't tell it by the music.

She taught my sister and I how to roller skate, jump rope, ride a
bicycle and play hopscotch even though she could not do those things
herself. I don't know how she did it but she did it.

That's the example with which I was brought up. She said, "Mary Sue,
(yes, that's my given name) there's no such thing as a brick wall.
Find a way around it, over it, under it, dismantle it...something. If
you say you can't, you're absolutely yright."

So yeah...Happy New Year!

May you all replicate the glory you wish for in your own lives!

Current Mood: cheerful

Grieg's Piano Concerto in A Minor...ahhh!

Sunshine breaking through clouds.

The only thing needed is a little leisure time to enjoy a nice lunch.

Well, two outa three ain't bad.

::tips hat to radio station:: Thanks guys! You couldn't've chosen better this noon!

EDIT: Whee! It's his birthday anniversary today...I'd forgotten that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Edvard Grieg!!! Someday I wanna visit Troldhaugen, I really do.

Current Mood: cheerful

1) I think everyone should seriously consider that their own viewpoint might be myopic, that they might not necessarily always be right and that someone else's point of view might have merit. Thinking you are always right and everyone else is wrong is one of the major ills of this world, IMHO. Being considerate, listening and allowing for someone else's opinions and ideas is a much better way to communicate. Having to prove you are right and someone else is wrong completely halts communication every single time.

2) Noted: it is off-putting to say during an intimate moment, "OH honey, I think I just felt a tick on your back." Yes, it is. But the good news is that the mood can be recaptured if both partners wish to do so.

3) The size of the plate and the size of the contents has once again gotten to be extremely disproportionate.

4) I'm at the end of my patience with having un-caring people making messes in my kitchen and laundry room while we're away and having to clean it all up when I get home. The good news there is that it is only one more month and I'll be home, sorta, all that time. The bad news about that is contained in number 3.

5) It is supposed to rain most of this week so I must get out into the garden now if it's ever going to get anything planted to actually grow in it.

6) Truly, if you are in good health and your family is in good health but you find you're suffering from anxiety, depression or moodiness, try picking yourself up and being grateful for the many blessings that you do have in your life. I look around and see brave people all over the place laboring under massive handicaps and doing amazing things; there's always more to be grateful for than to complain about and if you look for those things you'll have the energy to do what you need to do. You are LOVED! And yes, heeding my own advice....

7) I need to get off the time-sucking computer. There's no way I'm going to catch up with all you lovely, chatty folk this morning.

Current Mood: busy

Looks like somebody's as pissed off as I am about this bull-shit that the recording industry, BMI and our wonderful government are pulling on internet radio.

Here:

http://www.savenetradio.org/about/index.html

Go. Do. I did. I already heard back from one Oklahoma representative, a form email reply that basically said, "yada yada" so who knows. But I'm feeling cynical, dumpy, weepy and pissy today....and half the other dwarves as well. Gotta love menopause.

In other news, I think I'm gonna go make a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip pecan cookies. But quietly, since Bruce is sleeping. He has to go in to work all night tonight.

Current Mood: blah

Ok, so who switched Oklahoma for North Dakota when I wasn't looking, huh? It's 21 degrees out!
I moved SOUTH; it's not supposed to be this cold! Hello.....!?!

Ok, I feel better now for venting that. But I'm not the only one. Poor Minko does not like this cold at all. He goes to the back door and wants out. I open the door and he shakes a paw and goes out for a minute then wants right back in. So then he goes to the front door and wants out. His logic is inescapable; surely the weather must be different outside the other door!

Yes, it does remind me of Heinlein's book.

But he's also the one scratching the corners of my green leather sofa. He may not survive doing that.

Ok, now that I've said 'ok' three times, I'm off to work in my warm cloak for this weekend. It's spozed to be mid-40's. Which is still warmer than Oklahoma, WTF?

Yes, I've gotten spoiled; what's your point?

Ok, just for the record. I'm having a cranky day. Call it menopause or having a cold or whatsoever you will.

No, I don't want to talk about it. It's nothing huge; it's just a mood. Everything is and will be fine. I'm just cranky, ok? Everyone has a day like that every once in awhile and this is mine.

I'm done for the moment trying to be clear and make everybody happy since that obviously doesn't work.

Just don't poke the Lioness today and nobody will get hurt, alright?

Thanks.

Nothing to see here, move on please...

1) Having acute enough hearing to realize the trash truck is on the back of the block so I can get the can out to the curb in time is a good thing.

2) One of the cats did (his) job last night. There was a dead mole on he front mat this morning. Ew. Very dead. Thanks, Minko. They're really cute but SO descructive. Go get some more, fella, just don't necessarily bring them to me, ok?

3) I did Callanetics yesterday and am not as sore as usual when I re-start. Yay, me! So this morning I'm going walking and then will do Callanetics in the afternoon. Yes, I'm motivated; I intend to do both everyday for the next two weeks; I want all my energy back. Funny thing is that Bruce independently decided the same thing that I did; gonna work out everyday while he's gone. And we didn't say one word about it to each other. Yeah, that tickles me.

4) I loves me a Cold Frosty Morn with whisps of Foggy Dew meandering over the yard and street. I'm gonna go walking before it all dissipates. Yes, I know it's song titles and that I'm a dork...

5) My life is very, very good and I'm a most lucky woman. And my life keeps getting better and better...

6) Everybody get out and VOTE today; if you don't vote then you lose all bitching rights as far as I'm concerned!

7) Love you all!

Current Mood: bouncy

( Ten or so of them.... )

Feeling better! Having my sweetie come home and sympathize and bring me tooth mortar to plug the hole in my tooth helped immensely; no more shock when I drink cold or hot stuff and I can actually eat again.

This was rehearsal night, so after supper we rehearsed even despite Amber's headache *sigh* and got some good work done. I feel pretty damned useless during the instrumental part of the rehearsal so I shucked pecans for banana bread and oatmeal cookies. We have wonderful company arriving tomorrow and plans to look forward to on the morrow for the weekend. Plus it's a good day when I get to watch my sweetie playing his guitar. He's so cute when he's playing; wrapped up in the music and really enjoying the sounds. He's so very good and really unaware of being so; a part of him just lives for the music and that'a beautiful thing to watch.

Counting blessings is always good to do.

Current Mood: calm

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Susi Matthews

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Rowan's Journal

Mostly candid thought

Entries tagged with moods

Aargh!

Hanging in...

Why?

whew

OMG!

Oops...

Good morning! Happy New Year!

contented sigh

Random but to the point...

Internet radio....

Brrrr....

sigh

Random things...

Interests...