Rowan's Journal

The days come in a variety of good, not so good, cheerful, chipper and downright gloomy; today is "eh", somewhere in the middle of all those. Let me 'splain, if I can.

And let me begin by wishing us all WELL!

Today is Yule and while it's not the beginning of the year, I can see it from here. Perhaps I'm weird but I've never been able to look at the Sabbats like everyone else does. A lot of things are ending but more are beginning. I'm trying to look at it as more of the beginning than an ending or maybe the end of the ending and beginning of the beginning of a new life. That made sense in my head.


I do know that hiding from the pain doesn't work; its still there. I know that walking through it is the only way to get through it. Pitching a tent doesn't work; you don't get anywhere. Back in '98 or so, Mary Omwake, former minister at Unity of Overland Park, said from the pulpit, "..though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. You see, the operative word there is WALK! You don't pitch a tent, you keep walking." I love that quote, never have forgotten it; think of it often. It does, however, leave me being less than patient with those whom I feel are wallowing and not moving on. I know I process things quickly and recover quickly but I also take the time to feel my feelings as they come up; deal with them and move ON. I have to remember that everyone's process is their own and to try to be patient.

My wish for everyone is that you have a thoughtful, meaningful Yule or Christmas or Hannukah, whichever or whatever you celebrate. Don't get lost in the "oh, I have to buy (whatever) for (whomever)" or "I have to make (however many) cookies." No, you don't HAVE to; you don't have to do anything. Do what is meaningful to you, that will show love for those who mean something to you. Be loving and caring and grateful and SINCERE. Be the best of who you are with those you love. Be grateful for everything you have and are.

Having said that, let me clarify. Bruce and I are doing something very difficult here; ending a marriage as gracefully as we can. The ultimate goal being "don't be mean". We are still friends, we still love one another; we just can't live together anymore. Yes, this hurts and sucks on a lot of levels but it IS necessary; it really wasn't working as it was. We both need to get to a new place and start over and see what happens after that, for us individually, as a relationship and as a band.

I know a lot of you don't understand our process through this and have anger or frustrations. I ask you this with all sincerity; if you have a problem with Bruce, please talk with him about it. Don't ignore it or be passive aggressive about it; don't just unfriend him or ignore it all and let it go. And don't think that I am being a wimp or 'letting' Bruce dump me; this is not the case. Understanding and Growth is the goal here, not taking sides or sweeping feelings under the rug, for anybody.

Let me be clear about this; he is doing the right thing throughout this process. He has bought me a nice car and new tires for it. He is providing dental insurance for me. He is providing me with as much help as he can and doing without a lot in order to help me start over. We are in complete agreement on the details of this divorce and are happy to be so. YES, he started this and yes, it hurts but what is happening NEEDS to happen. Truth is, our relationship was on a bit of a pedestal for some people and that is always a dangerous place to be. If anything gets out of balance, the whole thing crashes. It will not help if everyone just treats Bruce as the bad guy here; he's not. And I have to say, anyone who can't keep up, can't process, can't find forgiveness and come to peace with this, is liable to be left behind as we build a more healthy relationship. I'm not trying to be mean here, but clear as I can be. We intend to make this work.

In some ways, his courage in speaking up is commendable, odd as that may seem coming from me. It's easy to cast blame and choose sides; it's harder to remain open and loving and understanding of BOTH of us; that's what I'm asking each of you to do, if you have ever cared about us. It is harder this way but it's what Bruce and I want, as we move forward through this process. I want to not lose track of his family, but I fear that is a vain hope. I don't think they've ever really known what to do with us. I know we will both move forward; we both hope that it is with all of our friendships intact, but that is as much up to each of you as it is up to us. It won't be for lack of trying on my part and on Bruce's part, I know this.

Things will get better; the long Winter will pass and Spring will be reborn. Hopefully, along with it, new lives will be started that will be healthy, successful, nurturing and from which more great joy will be born.

This is my hope and my wish, that we all move forward, lovingly, thoughtfully, productively and successfully.

Happy, blessed Yule to you all.

And yes, I made this post public on purpose; it's time the cards were all laid on the table. I'm screening comments so everyone can be as candid as they like. If you wish for me to NOT unscreen what you've said, please make that clear.